turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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