Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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