I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
