I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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