Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
there is glitter all over my balls
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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