I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
