You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
