Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
4 words: hood of his car
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
this just has baby written all over it
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just blew my weed a kiss
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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