I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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