Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
