Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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