Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
