why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
