I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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