you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
