white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
