I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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