Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
