if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
