I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
