I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
