Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Randomize
