I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
