Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
