my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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