Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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