he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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