oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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