Dual....:-)
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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