I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Did you just see the Batmobile???
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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