I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
