Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
