I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
