when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
