Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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