I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
