did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
