it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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