Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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