she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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