Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
