I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
