between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
