Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
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he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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