Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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