Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I need a beard to bite.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize