I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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