if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
