she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
