Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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