Already got asked if we're dating
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
