He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
