At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
