my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
