im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She bit a glass in half.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
