I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
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Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
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In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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