Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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