things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
