my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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