Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
